Saturday, September 12, 2015

I Have a Confession to Make

I haven't written many blog entries. Why? Well, because I don't trust myself. I don't value myself. God and I have been working on this for years and years.

I was bullied in school. Mercilessly. There were the kids that threw worms in my hair. There was the kid that knocked my desk backwards and I hit my head on the desk behind me. They made fun of me, they told me I was fat, they told me I was stupid, they told me I was worth less than nothing, they told me the world was better off without me, they told me I should do the world a favor and kill myself. Then there was the kid that pretended to befriend me so she could go to the others with my personal thoughts and feelings and hopes and dreams, and they could tear me down. This was my life all day, every day, from kindergarten until I graduated 8th grade. I changed schools a lot, but I went to private schools and in the town I'm from, all the private school families knew each other. That meant that when I left school A, the kids in school B heard I was coming. And so, the torture continued. Until I got to high school. Then I kept pretty much to myself, and most everyone ignored me. I didn't get my first real friend in school until I was a Junior in high school.

Because of this treatment, I have learned that my opinion is invalid. And, because I have ADD (not ADHD; I'm not at all hyperactive), it was next to impossible for me to concentrate in school. So I didn't learn much. Therefore, I feel like I'm not very bright. I can't really participate in intelligent conversations because I don't usually understand the topics discussed. Plus, I feel like my brain doesn't work right; I can't get the thoughts in my head to come out my mouth. And when they do, they don't come out the same way that they were bouncing around in my head. So people think I'm stupid or rude. I honestly don't mean to be. I think about what I say before I say it, it's just that what I think about is not often the same thing that I say. And I don't know how to stop that.

Wow, this is a rather weird and depressing blog post. Just wait, it gets better.

God has been showing me something the past few weeks. He has shown me that, despite what I learned in my youth, I am valuable. Isaiah 43:1-4 says that, because God formed me, because I am His child, I am precious and I am loved. Acts1:12-26 tells about how the Apostles prayed for someone to replace Judas. God has shown me years ago that, if I were to have loving and kind friends to replace the evil ones of my childhood, then I was to pray for them. Mark tells us that whatever we ask for in faith, we'll receive it. I literally believe that I spent so may years friendless because I didn't ask God for the right kind of friends. (And, once I started praying for friends, I had to be ready for them. This will be discussed in a later post.) My current friends have encouraged me and lifted me up. I am in a much better place now than I was years ago. Actually, one of those friends is the one that convinced me to write a book (which I can now finish because I have a working laptop - thanks to my wonderful husband).

But this doesn't explain why there are so few blog posts. This stuff happened years ago, and this blog is not years old. Well, because the wounds from childhood are not easily healed. Recently (actually, about the last year/year and a half) I've been having trouble with depression. My old childhood feelings have been coming back to haunt me. And I've been letting them. Last week, I joined an online bible study group, and they asked for prayer requests. I said that I wondered if I fell off the face of the earth, would anyone notice. Well, I got all jumped on. I got private messages and e-mails loaded with bible verses and prayers, and stories of how God helped them overcome depression. What most of it boiled down to is this: My family would notice. And God would notice. And when all's said and done, those are the only ones that I really have to make happy.

I've been trying not to say or do certain things so as not to offend anyone. And what I've gotten in return is people gossiping about me, lost friends, and fake "friendships." And an unhappy heart. So... I'm not doing it anymore. From now on, I'm going to be purely me. Jesus wasn't afraid of offending anyone when he traveled around talking about God (and he did offend people - they put him to death!), so I'm not going to be either. If I lose friends because of it, well, that's ok. Those are not the kinds of friends I want anyway. I want friends that will love me for who I am.

So... after all that... I will post more entries more. I tend to ramble (can you tell? lol!), so some will make more sense than others. But, if God lays it on my heart, I will share it with whomever wants to read it! :)